I JUST Realized This Says “Greatest Hits”

Walking around Panama’s gigantic superstore “Machetazo” one can find anything from an antique sewing machine to an aisle of masks and costumes, a full grocery store to a trophy and gun section. I was fortunate stumble upon a few random racks of CD’s that appeared sadly discarded, dusty and unloved. I thought to myself, “Why, dear Lord, should music be abandoned in such a manner?” Then I took a look at some of the CD covers and it was no wonder. These were some of the fantastically worst I had ever seen, so deliciously awful that I knew right then and there that I must share them. They are in no particular craptastic order, for they are all lovable losers in my mind.

Raúl di Blasio not only looks like he would collaborate with Kenny G, but in fact he has! This Argentine lover/pianist began his career at the ripe age of six. While his CD covers are so cheeselicious and rather narcissistic, accentuating his best feature- that phallic shnoz, he does have street cred. Senor di Blasio grew up in poverty and could barely afford a piano, but rose to join and work with the likes of Jose Feliciano and Julio Iglesias. The fact of the matter is, and mothers everywhere i’m sorry, di Blasio doesn’t want to lay you down in a bed of roses as this cover would suggest. His Wikipedia bio states that, “In 1984 di Blasio made the decision to have the piano be his life-partner.” Creepy? Yes. But what true musician wouldn’t say the same?

With his Jerry curl and sultry Latin looks (or should I say locks) it’s no wonder that, according to his Myspace page, Willie’s Page Willie Gonzales was a smash hit singing romantic salsa ballads in the 1980’s and 1990’s. I can see women at Willie’s concerts fighting for their chance to dive into his unbuttoned blouse, to stroke his perfectly sculpted facial hair. After reading the lyrics of some of Willie’s smash hits such as, “It Wasn’t Chance” and “You Can’t Escape from Me,” I am overwhelmed. I’m sure the intention was sweet face melting music, but I can’t seem to shake this suffocating feeling that I’m in that kind of intense relationship where using the excuse “I bumped into the door” or calling the police for a restraining order might be in needed.

Bonny Cepeda’s silky smooth chest and sexy studded leather jacket resembling an over-sized couch are tempting; and the attitude in his eyes is there for a reason. While this Dominican legend’s cover art might not be a success (or maybe it is?) he was the first Merengue artist to be nominated for a Grammy award in 1985.

PS:I had to include the flamboyant Nightmare on Elm Street esque top he has on in this album, couldn’t resist. Does anyone else get the feeling that Bonny might have been a kick-ass hair dresser?

You can’t fool us Los Bukis. While your name might mean “little kids,” you are clearly a group of adult men with an impressive array hairdos and matching suits. Full purple, long and silky, curly mullet, pink vest, Barry Gibb- pardon the ramblings. With only one great hit, this Mexican band suffered legal disputes post breakup after one member tried to call himself “El Buki.” It sadly seems as though this band was destined to be a one-hit-wonder from the start. Today, the remaining members of the band call themselves “Los Mismos” or “the same ones” just in case you were wondering if they were indeed those same silly boys from Los Bukis.

Okay, so maybe he’s cool, but his CD cover is definitely?? It just doesn’t say tough guy to me or maybe that’s because he hailed from before the gangster bling and ice age (not glacial talking here). Panama’s own Nando Boom who believe it or not holds a key to the city, is a reggae artist of the dance hall styling. He is credited with starting a new dance craze, virtually changing the way folks like you and I dance to reggaeton today. His move is called perreo and is a backwards dance motion, I’ll leave this filthy one up to your imagination. I couldn’t find his album cover for “Back to Work” anywhere online, so I threw up the one I took at the store. Yes, I laid out all these albums and took photos right there in Machetaz, I’m shameless. So anyway, Mr. Boom and his angelic face make me want to do anything but get back to work. That leg lift he’s doing IS inviting, it’s like when Mr. Roger’s put on his cardigan, you want to be doing the same. I will go to work with you Nando, if by work you mean dancing and by back you mean backin’ it up.

*this article is not meant to offend any fans out there and if it does, my apologies- lighten up.

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Filed under: Culture, Reviews on May 30th, 2008